Are There Any More Good Women?

Fellas, we all know that every woman out there that talks about being a wife isn’t wife material. So, here are some tips you may want to think about if you are coming up empty in your search for “the one”.

1. Don’t wife the video vixen. There are tons of beautiful women with hot bodies but you have to be careful about the ones who want to flaunt their bodies. While both your “heads” might be feeling the video vixen, this is a woman who will usually throw you deuces when you run into hard times.

2. What you do to get her is what you’ll have to do to keep her. I am in full support of being chivalrous and treating a woman like a queen. However, don’t do more than your wallet or your time is able to sustain. One thing that makes women feel comfortable and secure is consistency so set the bar as high as you are willing to keep it.

3. Your Momma isn’t always right. While you want to choose a woman you can bring home to your mother, don’t let your mother’s opinion be more valuable than the connection you have with this woman.

4. Get your money right. Don’t be quick to assume that every woman who doesn’t want to be with a broke man is a gold digger. WOMEN WANT SECURITY as intensely as men want sex. A good woman will have her money in order but she’ll still want to make sure that she won’t need to carry you for the rest of her life so balance your checkbook before you start searching for Mrs. Right.

Can you drink to that?

-The Bartender

Are There Any More Good Men?

While I recognize it’s hard being single in 2011, my ears are numb from hearing that there aren’t any good men or women on the dating scene. There are good quality people looking for love but sometimes we don’t want to acknowledge the barriers we create in our search to find “the one”. I’ve decided to add to this conversation by sharing 5 tips women should think about while on their search for love.

Note: Despite popular belief, women aren’t the only ones looking for love so this post will be followed by one sharing tips with men.

Enjoy!

1. Carry yourself like you’re someone worth having. This just isn’t about keeping your hair and nails “did”. It’s about being a lady all around. The way you look, speak, think and act is all important when readying yourself for a relationship. A good quality man wants a woman that is polished. So, try to present yourself in a way that communicates your morals without saying a word.

2. Keep your cookies in your jar. While we all have different physical tolerance levels (and different spiritual beliefs), don’t think that having sex with a man will make him ready to commit. What many men don’t want women to know is that they care about a lot more than sex. They have lists just like women do. A man who is ready to settle down is looking to connect on levels beyond the physical. Believe it or not, while most men don’t mind having sex soon after they meet a woman, some may judge you if you have sex too soon because in the back of their mind they are thinking, “does she do this with every man she meets.” So, if you can’t keep the lid on your cookie jar air tight, try to make sure the two of you connect before you give him an all-access pass to the “goodies”.

3. While cooking and cleaning can’t keep a man (refer to previous post), you need to know how to take care of a home. You don’t have to be a domestic diva to get a good man but it does help if the dust pan isn’t lost in your closet under a Gucci purse and you know your way to the kitchen and through a cookbook. NO MAN wants to be with a woman who can’t keep her house in order! I don’t care if he screams your name every time he goes in your cookie jar…it WON’T WORK if you can’t keep a clean home. Trust me, he is walking through your junkie room thinking, “I don’t want this to be my life.”

While many men will tell you that cooking is a deal-breaker, most of the time it isn’t. But a man wants to know you’re trying and improving so give him a break from his wallet and crack open your cookbook.

4. Know how to handle your money. While many men take pride in being able to provide for their woman, it doesn’t mean that they don’t want you to be able to take care of yourself. A woman who is rocking Louis Vuitton purses but needs her man to get her car out of the shop isn’t desirable. Learn how to delight in saving money and be sure to let the person you are dating know that you can handle your own business.

5. Don’t be so superficial. While you may have dreamed that your knight and shining armor would be a tall, dark, handsome executive, don’t be quick to look over a man just because he doesn’t fit your stringent expectations. Think about what you really need in a relationship (someone who is honest, caring, loving etc.) and focus on that when choosing a mate.

Can you drink to that?

-The Bartender

Cooking Won’t Keep Him: A Look at Why Men Cheat

Tyrese Gibson was recently on Wendy Williams promoting his new book, How To Get Out of Your Own Way and he talked about a mindset that suggests domestic tasks that women do will NOT keep their men faithful! Well, well, well…it seems like this man needs to pay a visit to every grandmother below the Mason Dixon line and inform them that cooking (and everything else related to household duties) WON’T keep a man.

While knowing how to maintain a household is important, let’s be real, a man will wake up on the downy scented sheets that you’ve washed to eat the Paula Dean breakfast you’ve made and STILL walk out of the house and cheat on you. Why? The answer isn’t top secret. A man who cheats does so because he doesn’t care about the person he’s with enough to stay faithful. THAT’S IT!!! It’s not rocket science and it’s definitely not about your four-cheese lasagna. It is about emotions and feelings. While we don’t like to associate these characteristics with men (and they often don’t want to acknowledge they have emotions or feelings themselves), we have to recognize that men are not made of steal and they love just as hard (if not harder) than women do.

Cheating is a decision that an individual makes based on how they feel about remaining faithful to the person they are with. A woman can cook, clean, treat her man like a king and have sex with him 7 days a week and that man will still cheat. When she asks him why he cheated he’ll say, “I’m sick of your baked chicken; I found a dust bunny in the corner; you asked me about my day before I was ready to talk to you and you only yelled my name one time during sex this week.” While this may be an extreme example, the point is, you can’t keep someone who doesn’t want to be kept.

So, while you may believe the adage that “a way to a man’s heart is through his stomach”, recognize that eventually that man will digest his food so you better have something else under your sleeve besides your mother’s mac ‘n cheese recipe.

Can you drink to that?

-The Bartender

 

 

Should I Be Exclusive If He Doesn’t Know What He Wants?

Dear Bartender,

I’ve been dating a guy (for the sake of this blog let’s call him Paul) for about 5 weeks and it was my understanding that we weren’t exclusive. In addition to dating Paul, I’ve been dating/talking to two other men (no sex just dinner, dancing and/or good conversation).

Recently, I accompanied Paul to a party where I exchanged numbers with a man I knew from school. I had no intention of dating this man but when Paul saw me exchange numbers he explained that he wasn’t comfortable with me seeing anyone else. Since I thought we weren’t exclusive (hence me talking to the two other guys in my life), I asked him where he thought this was going and he said he “doesn’t know. He wants to get to know me better.” My question is, does a man have a right to set restrictions on who you are dating if you’re not exclusive? Should I assume that Paul isn’t dating anyone else?

Dear Courteously Courting,

The answer to your first questions is, “NO.” In my opinion, a person who isn’t solidifying anything with you doesn’t have the right to set boundaries about anything in YOUR life.

Now, I’m sure you’re questioning why Paul would even suggest you not date anyone else since you’re not exclusive, right? Here’s the deal…many men believe that a woman who is dating more than one man at a time is a whore because honestly, more often than not, men date several women at a time TO HAVE SEX WITH SEVERAL WOMEN AT A TIME. It is hard for a man to understand a woman who date to get to know a man.

With that said, Paul views your desire to connect with other men as a desire to have sex with them. That is why, even though he doesn’t know what he wants from your relationship yet, he doesn’t want you to date anyone else. You dating other men, in his mind, means you’re somewhat “used” and that is problematic because he hasn’t decided what he wants with you yet.

Does this sound ridiculous?  That’s because it is. While men date several women at a time and aren’t seen as “used”, many men don’t give women that same agency and society backs up this conundrum that places women at a clear disadvantage.

Don’t understand? Think of it like a laptop on display at BestBuy. Before that product is purchased tons of people will come by and use it to check email and play with features. However, once a person decides that they want it, they aren’t going to pick the laptop that they saw on display. Instead, they want a fresh “new” one to buy. Even if the laptop is the last one in the store and has no noticeable wear and tear, a shopper will still negotiate the price down because the perception is the laptop is “used”.

While I hesitate to compare women to products that can be purchased, I think an important factor in strengthening the dialogue between men and women is for each party to understand how they may be viewed by the other. This isn’t to say that men view women as products but instead to assert that many men view women as the ones waiting for a decision to be made as opposed to the ones making the decision. So, to answer your last question, you shouldn’t assume that Paul isn’t dating anyone else because Paul views himself as the “shopper” and you as the “laptop”. I think it’s great that you have two other options because you should assume that Paul is “shopping around” and if I were you I’d grab a shopping cart and start rolling through the aisles.

Can you drink to that?

-The Bartender

The Truth About Relationship Baggage

I can’t begin to add up the amount of times that I’ve heard one of my male or female friends say one of the following, “I don’t want to be with someone who is coming into the relationship with baggage” or “I have to let my girl/boyfriend go. They have too much baggage.” People constantly throw around this term to describe those who should be avoided like the plague because being with them means you are going to deal with more than the average person…but is this really true?

People come into relationships with all kinds of issues (e.g. they come from a broken home; they had an emotionally charged relationship with their mother/father; they were abused; their last partner cheated on them; the person they have a child with constantly gives them hell, etc). Just because a person is coming to you with baggage, doesn’t mean they should be overlooked. What you need to know is if this baggage is checked or if it’s carry-on luggage. What do I mean? Basically, you need to know if their issues  have been addressed and handled (what I call “checked” baggage) or ignored (what I’ve termed as “carry-on” luggage).

WE ALL HAVE BAGGAGE but you want the person you’re with to have baggage that has been folded and packed neatly under the plane waiting to depart on the relationship trip you are going to take with them. Baggage that has been addressed helps to shape character and in some cases can make someone a more desirable partner.  With that said, beware of people who come to you with big bags of carry-on luggage (e.g. they were cheated on and can’t commit or they were abandoned so they push away anyone who gets too close).  These are issues that, if not addressed, can destroy a relationship. The fact that it’s “carry-on” luggage means that it has the potential to spill out of the overhead compartments and fall all over the plane the moment you hit relationship turbulence. Having a relationship with a person with carry-on luggage often ends up being a waste of time so proceed with caution.

In the end, none of us are perfect. We all have issues (albeit some are more tolerable than others) so you shouldn’t be quick to disregard a person with baggage. Just remember to make sure their baggage is checked so it will be worth your while to board the plane.

Can you drink to that?

-The Bartender

Get Your Free Condoms and Grab a Lollipop

As you know, cocktailsandcognac.com was created to encourage conversation that deepens the dialogue between men and women around dating, relationships, and love. I believe that health is a topic that can’t be ignored in any relationship worth its weight in a bag of chips. So, instead of doing a post today, I wanted to direct the attention of my readers to a new and engaging health site called Free Condoms and Lollipops.  This site launched recently and is targeted to the  “fresh, hip and disengaged.” Check it out.  http://www.freecondomsandlollipops.com/

-The Bartender

He’s Afraid of Commitment (or is he?)

Dear Bartender,

I was with my ex for 3 years. We broke up about 5 months ago because he told me that he wasn’t happy. I suggested therapy but he wasn’t interested and preferred for us to go our separate ways. Most of our issues were based on the fact that I wanted to get married and have children and he didn’t. I was DEVASTATED but figured it was fine because we wanted different things.

Recently, I saw him at a party with a woman I assumed he was dating but to my surprise it was his fiancé! I am pissed, hurt and upset. It’s only been 5 months and he has a fiancé?!?! This from the same person who was afraid of commitment and didn’t want a wife or children! I’m so hurt. A part of me wants to call him and give him a piece of my mind. Should I?

-Hurt and Upset

Dear Hurt and Upset,

Hell NO! Don’t call him. What would you even say? “Hey ____, I just wanted to let you know that you missed out on the best the thing ever”. You can say that till the cows come home but that man is still going to feel like you’re a fool and the “best thing ever” is the woman who is wearing his ring. I can only imagine how hurt you feel but calling him will just prolong your hurt and make you look ridiculous.  Even if a phone call makes you feel better temporarily, some feelings of embarrassment are bound to seep in once you realize that both he and his fiancé are sharing several laughs at your expense.

Listen, you have to recognize that many men (and women) play this game. They say they don’t want to get married and have children and what they mean is, “I don’t want to get married and have children…WITH YOU”. That’s hard to face especially when you’ve invested 3 years of your time but unfortunately it’s the truth.

While I’m sure it was difficult to see him move on in such a short time, you have to remember that classy women bow out gracefully. Don’t position yourself as anything less by confronting this man about something he doesn’t care about. While my words may seem harsh, he has moved on and you should too.

Can we drink to that?

-The Bartender