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As you know, cocktailsandcognac.com was created to encourage conversation that deepens the dialogue between men and women around dating, relationships, and love. I believe that health is a topic that can’t be ignored in any relationship worth its weight in a bag of chips. So, instead of doing a post today, I wanted to direct the attention of my readers to a new and engaging health site called Free Condoms and Lollipops.  This site launched recently and is targeted to the  “fresh, hip and disengaged.” Check it out.  http://www.freecondomsandlollipops.com/

-The Bartender

He’s Afraid of Commitment (or is he?)

Dear Bartender,

I was with my ex for 3 years. We broke up about 5 months ago because he told me that he wasn’t happy. I suggested therapy but he wasn’t interested and preferred for us to go our separate ways. Most of our issues were based on the fact that I wanted to get married and have children and he didn’t. I was DEVASTATED but figured it was fine because we wanted different things.

Recently, I saw him at a party with a woman I assumed he was dating but to my surprise it was his fiancé! I am pissed, hurt and upset. It’s only been 5 months and he has a fiancé?!?! This from the same person who was afraid of commitment and didn’t want a wife or children! I’m so hurt. A part of me wants to call him and give him a piece of my mind. Should I?

-Hurt and Upset

Dear Hurt and Upset,

Hell NO! Don’t call him. What would you even say? “Hey ____, I just wanted to let you know that you missed out on the best the thing ever”. You can say that till the cows come home but that man is still going to feel like you’re a fool and the “best thing ever” is the woman who is wearing his ring. I can only imagine how hurt you feel but calling him will just prolong your hurt and make you look ridiculous.  Even if a phone call makes you feel better temporarily, some feelings of embarrassment are bound to seep in once you realize that both he and his fiancé are sharing several laughs at your expense.

Listen, you have to recognize that many men (and women) play this game. They say they don’t want to get married and have children and what they mean is, “I don’t want to get married and have children…WITH YOU”. That’s hard to face especially when you’ve invested 3 years of your time but unfortunately it’s the truth.

While I’m sure it was difficult to see him move on in such a short time, you have to remember that classy women bow out gracefully. Don’t position yourself as anything less by confronting this man about something he doesn’t care about. While my words may seem harsh, he has moved on and you should too.

Can we drink to that?

-The Bartender

 

 

30+ and Not Married…What’s Wrong?

Dear Bartender,

I’m an educated professional black man who is looking for “the one”. I recently reconnected with a girl I knew from college and she has all the right stats. She’s beautiful, educated, physically fit, morally upright, and she challenges me intellectually. She is everything I am looking for in a lifetime mate. The issue is I have two friends who know her and they both told me that she has had her share of boyfriends. While I’m not a dating rookie, this is a concern to me because I’m wondering why, at 31, she is still on the market. I can’t help but think there has got to be something wrong with her because there is no way a 31 year old woman with her stats should still be on the market. In some of the conversations I’ve had with her she has come across too strong and independent (typical, “I can do everything by myself” $h!t). Anyway, I hesitate with moving forward because I don’t want to waste my time. What are your thoughts?

Dear Resisting a Relationship,

My opinion – this seems to be more about you than the woman that has captured your interest. First off, your perspective is a snapshot of society’s judgmental and unyielding feelings towards women who are over 30 and not married. “Something has to be wrong with them!” The reality is our society has an issue with extending the same emotional agency to women that they do to men. It is difficult for a man to think that a woman could date all throughout her 20’s just for fun and not think of settling down until she hit 30.

Women are not all the same. Despite popular belief, all of them don’t date to get married at 23 once they have met the first man who can hear them say the word marriage without quivering and bolting off in the opposite direction. Some date to get their minds off of the pressures of school or work. Some date merely to be social and some just want to have sex! Society doesn’t want us to think of women in that way because it taints the purity that we unconsciously believe all women should have but the reality is women are faced with some of the same social decisions that face men…and many make the same decisions that are heavily associated with men.

Now, with that being said, it’s obvious that I don’t think something is wrong with the “beautiful, educated, physically fit, morally upright” woman that has captured your interest. Let’s be real, God is creating good men but he’s not dropping them from the sky to land on the doorstep of every quality woman with good stats. IT’S HARD TO FIND A GOOD MAN!!!  So, instead of searching for fault in her, you might want to adjust your perspective and step out of the 1950’s. In terms of her being too strong and independent, the question is “Do you really want a weak and dependent woman?” If so, maybe you shouldn’t be looking for a relationship because when times get hard and you’re at a weak moment in your life those women run to the next man they can depend on.

Can you drink to that?

My 10 Cents on For Colored Girls

For all of you who haven’t flocked to the movie theater to see this movie, GO A.S.A.P. While I could have done without some of the monologues, I have to admit, this was a phenomenal, unpredictable film that challenges some issues women of various backgrounds may face and encourages us all to take responsibility for the role we play in our relationships.

Since going to the movie on its opening night I’ve read harsh critiques of the movie and spoken to several friends about their thoughts. Many said this was a typical Tyler Perry film that didn’t show enough positive male characters. While I respect that position, this film wasn’t about men. It was about how women are victimized by men and other women and how they have a choice in how the overcome that victimization.

I don’t want to spoil the movie for anyone so I won’t give away any details but I will say that many of you may see yourself or at least someone you know in one of the characters in the movie. Personally, I saw myself in Phylicia Rashad’s character who wasn’t afraid to say the most difficult things during such a trying time of mourning for Kimberly Elise’s character. Phylicia’s character and the movie overall was the truth about sisterhood and how one needs to take difficult steps to overcome the hardships of life. I suggest everyone go see it.

Can you drink to that?

-The Bartender

Can You Remain Friends With Someone You’ve Slept With?

Dear Bartender,

A close friend of mine sent me the following email:

“Our friendship has caused issues in my relationship. We have been good friends for a long time but my relationship means more to me. So with that said I’m breaking up with you! LOL.  Seriously though for the sake of my marriage we can’t be friends. I hope you understand.”

The issue is we had sex a long time ago and she told her husband. But it was only one time and we both were drunk as hell. This is back in my wild post college days. Anyway, I haven’t responded to her email and don’t know how to respond. I really care about her as a friend and hate to lose her over something that happened so long ago.

– Frustrated Over Friendship

Dear Frustrated Over Friendship,

While co-ed friendships can be fulfilling and necessary for most, many people make the mistake of mixing this type of friendship with intimacy and it is like putting on stilettos to run a marathon- it just doesn’t make any sense! With that said, you might want to make it a point not to sleep with your female friends.

Now, moving on to your particular situation, you have to understand how her husband would feel uncomfortable with your relationship. While the intimate encounter you had with her was a long time ago, no man really wants another man around his wife who can say “I know what your wife looks like naked.” Even if there is nothing between the two of you, your friendship must be awkward for him to say the least.

In terms of responding to her, while it may be difficult, you shouldn’t oppose her decision because she feels she is doing what is best for her family. Don’t get in between that. While you don’t agree, this is the hardship of true friendship. You should take the high road and do what is best for her. If you respond just tell her that while you disagree with ending the friendship, you understand her husband’s position and respect the decision they have made as a couple. Tell her that you would never disrespect her marriage but if your presence is doing so, you are more than willing to gracefully bow out of her life. Tell her that you will always cherish the friendship you had but you are happy knowing that she is developing a strong foundation with her husband and wish them both the best.

And with that, while I do think you CAN remain friends with someone you’ve slept with, in order to do that all parties (including the spouse in your friend’s life) need to be on board. If they’re not, wave “hasta la vista” and take a mental note to never sleep with the women you truly cherish as friends.

Can you drink to that?

-The Bartender